Keyboard Trouble

AAAAGHHH! Why me!!!

I recently got a new laptop to replace my aging computer, which had a spacious 64 GB of storage and a rather concerning number of cracks. By every metric I care about, the new machine is stellar! It's got great storage, it's cheap but well-reviewed, and it doesn't even have the annoying touchscreens and fingerprint readers every manufacturer loves adding! But...

The problem lies with the keyboard. If I'd like to press 'left' or 'down', the computer invariably acts as though I am holding both of them at the same time, and it's taken to interpreting 'right' as 'down, as many times as I'd please'. Meanwhile, the 'up' key can't seem to decide if it's actually a '0' or an 'insert'. I don't even want to TALK about the effin' fn row!

Here is the list of solutions, in order attempts:

1. "Weird, I must have switched to an alternative layout."
2. Remapping (fails to address root issue)
3. Have I tried turning it off and on again?
4. Reinstall drivers
5. Linux support chat
6. Close Linux support chat, turns out the same problem happens on Windows
7. Run Windows troubleshooters. Oh, they didn't detect any hardware issues? I beg to differ >:[
8. Powershell time!
9. Complain on Neocities (you are here)
10. Scary registry editing
11. Reinstall Linux?
12. THROW LAPTOP INTO THE SEA
13. ...
14. Call computer repair store

I could probably ignore it and get by without doing anything, since all of the 'essential' keys are fine. I mean, sure, I can't play most of the games I was so eager to try, but I can live with that! Writing this page without my beloved arrow keys was tedious, but I still made it work! I just have to... resign myself to a life of eternal frustration for a few years.

*sigh*... time to make a phone call.